There are big moments in a parent's life. There are the firsts- first smile, first steps, first lost tooth. There are birthdays and graduations. There are photographs and video to commemorate these times. Hallmark has made a fortune from family milestones.
I enjoy the big moments but I live for the thousands of little moments... Like the one I'm having right now with my daughter, sitting on the couch watching re-runs of "The Office".
Everyone else is the house is sleeping except us. It's a Friday, the end of a long snowy week. There is a long list of things I could be doing right now, working on my novel, taking care of laundry or even working on finishing that damn blanket I started knitting more than four years ago. Instead, she's wearing her Wonder Woman Snugly I got her for Christmas and she's still my little girl, even if at fifteen she's taller than me. Her head rests on my knee and my dog is curled on my foot and we laugh at Michael and Dwight.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Having an "aah" Moment
I should be bouncing for joy.
I should be performing cartwheels through the aisle of the study room.
I should be getting strange looks from people because my goofy grin falls to close to the line separating normal and abnormal.
Instead... I'm subdued on my first day with time to myself. From about 10AM to 2:30PM, I have no commitments on Tuesday and Friday. My emotions are cut short of full-blown joy as a mixture of guilt, anxiety, and stress coagulate my system.
The guilt comes from an awareness of the hundreds of other things that have piled up behind me. Right now, this to-do list is larger than Mt. Everest. Intellectually I know that I will never complete this novel or any of the other novels clawing to experience the light of day unless I actually sit down and write. My children are in school, my mother is at home with sole rights to the television, and my to-do list isn't going anywhere so I have to pretend I'm Tolstoy or Dostoevsky and give myself over to the writing, forgetting everything else.
The anxiety and the stress are related to the same issue-- money. Money is tight right now and it would be cheaper to remain at home instead of driving an hour to get here and paying for this day of school for my son. Yes, it would be cheaper but I wouldn't be writing, no matter how many times my boy tells me he's going to let me work. And the book has the potential to pay for these days (at least that's the hope).
I guess it will take me some time to work up to being at ease with taking time to follow my dream. For now I'm just taking a deep breath and rolling up my sleeves.
I should be performing cartwheels through the aisle of the study room.
I should be getting strange looks from people because my goofy grin falls to close to the line separating normal and abnormal.
Instead... I'm subdued on my first day with time to myself. From about 10AM to 2:30PM, I have no commitments on Tuesday and Friday. My emotions are cut short of full-blown joy as a mixture of guilt, anxiety, and stress coagulate my system.
The guilt comes from an awareness of the hundreds of other things that have piled up behind me. Right now, this to-do list is larger than Mt. Everest. Intellectually I know that I will never complete this novel or any of the other novels clawing to experience the light of day unless I actually sit down and write. My children are in school, my mother is at home with sole rights to the television, and my to-do list isn't going anywhere so I have to pretend I'm Tolstoy or Dostoevsky and give myself over to the writing, forgetting everything else.
The anxiety and the stress are related to the same issue-- money. Money is tight right now and it would be cheaper to remain at home instead of driving an hour to get here and paying for this day of school for my son. Yes, it would be cheaper but I wouldn't be writing, no matter how many times my boy tells me he's going to let me work. And the book has the potential to pay for these days (at least that's the hope).
I guess it will take me some time to work up to being at ease with taking time to follow my dream. For now I'm just taking a deep breath and rolling up my sleeves.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A New Semester
School starts tomorrow. I finally decided which classes I'm taking, Feature Writing and Entrepreneurial Journalism. I'm dropping Shakespeare II and The Craft of Poetry. Although, I'm waffling on dropping poetry.
A facility and love for poetry has been a pleasant discovery since starting back to school and the class is with one of my favorite professor's. I know I can take the class the next time it is offered and there is nothing stopping me from continuing to work on my poems. So this cushions the disappointment a bit.
My son is excited to get back to school with his friends after more than four weeks. I'm looking forward to two free days to write since I'll only be in classes three days a week. I also have about two hours after dropping him off before my class begins which is a real treasure for me after three semesters of racing from one classroom to the next, eating on the run.
I'm looking forward to developing my writing portfolio and finishing my novel. Wish me luck.
A facility and love for poetry has been a pleasant discovery since starting back to school and the class is with one of my favorite professor's. I know I can take the class the next time it is offered and there is nothing stopping me from continuing to work on my poems. So this cushions the disappointment a bit.
My son is excited to get back to school with his friends after more than four weeks. I'm looking forward to two free days to write since I'll only be in classes three days a week. I also have about two hours after dropping him off before my class begins which is a real treasure for me after three semesters of racing from one classroom to the next, eating on the run.
I'm looking forward to developing my writing portfolio and finishing my novel. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Realizing I'm Human
Classes start next week and I have come to the realization that I am not a superwoman. I am a mere mortal. As much as I would like to be back at school full-time it is impossible. I have three children at home, along with an elderly mother and exceedingly moody husband paralyzed by inertia. Oh, and I'm trying to complete a novel.
For three semesters I've carried a full-time load. I've stressed, put more gray hair on head, gained weight, ceased exercising, and tried to mainline caffeine. I've done all-nighters to make deadlines and all-nighters because I couldn't shut my brain off. I just don't want to do it again. I love school but I could do without the added baggage of my life.
Now I have to figure out which classes to keep and which ones to take at a later date. This is no easy decision since I've had each of these professors before and I find them all exceedingly stimulating. But the idea of opening up my schedule and having more time to write is incredibly attractive.
Since my youngest child attends preschool on campus, I will wind up with FREE TIME. This is time outside of the distractions of my house- no laundry, no cleaning or cooking, no interruptions. I will potentially have at least two to three hours each day for writing- like a real professional. This is quite exciting since I lost my office to my mother's arrival.
Sounds like a no-brainer, then why am I stressing over this. Is it because I secretly don't want to admit I can't do it all? I so like wearing the cape.
For three semesters I've carried a full-time load. I've stressed, put more gray hair on head, gained weight, ceased exercising, and tried to mainline caffeine. I've done all-nighters to make deadlines and all-nighters because I couldn't shut my brain off. I just don't want to do it again. I love school but I could do without the added baggage of my life.
Now I have to figure out which classes to keep and which ones to take at a later date. This is no easy decision since I've had each of these professors before and I find them all exceedingly stimulating. But the idea of opening up my schedule and having more time to write is incredibly attractive.
Since my youngest child attends preschool on campus, I will wind up with FREE TIME. This is time outside of the distractions of my house- no laundry, no cleaning or cooking, no interruptions. I will potentially have at least two to three hours each day for writing- like a real professional. This is quite exciting since I lost my office to my mother's arrival.
Sounds like a no-brainer, then why am I stressing over this. Is it because I secretly don't want to admit I can't do it all? I so like wearing the cape.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
So Many Many Books
I go to the library or the bookstore and I am like an addict. I've had this problem my whole life. I can not imagine not being surrounded by books. Had I lived in ancient Egypt, I would have been entombed with a massive library for the after-life.
Right now I'm reading three books at the same time, yet I went to the library and returned with five more books. And in the true delusional state of the addict, I've convinced myself I'll be able to read everything before the start of classes on January 24th.
If money were no object, I'd spend a year just reading... Oh, a girl can dream, can't she?
Right now I'm reading three books at the same time, yet I went to the library and returned with five more books. And in the true delusional state of the addict, I've convinced myself I'll be able to read everything before the start of classes on January 24th.
If money were no object, I'd spend a year just reading... Oh, a girl can dream, can't she?
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
The Snow Begins
This what it looks like right now outside my house. The snow dance is done, pajamas are inside out, and the spoons are under the pillow... So I guess, it's a snow day tomorrow.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Waiting for Snow
Am I wrong for wishing the approaching snow is as much or more than they are predicting so I can sleep-in Wednesday morning and then get some writing or reading done?
There is nothing more peaceful than my house on a snow day morning, especially since both my older kids are on the early bus and have to be up before 6am.
I'll be heading out to the supermarket to stock up on the staples- homemade soup, hot chocolate, and cookies. I'll also stock up on wood for a nice healthy fire.
Ooh, I can't wait.
There is nothing more peaceful than my house on a snow day morning, especially since both my older kids are on the early bus and have to be up before 6am.
I'll be heading out to the supermarket to stock up on the staples- homemade soup, hot chocolate, and cookies. I'll also stock up on wood for a nice healthy fire.
Ooh, I can't wait.
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