Tuesday, July 17, 2012

A New Day

Today was an amazing day.

It was amazing because I chose not to allow myself to feel bad. Without realizing it, I'm a pro at feeling bad. Which is really kind of funny since if you'd asked me I would have considered myself a rather happy-go-lucky person. The image I had was of the kid who was always smiling, always ready with a laugh.

But then I started thinking about the last time I really laughed. I mean, the holding my sides falling on my butt kind of laughing and I couldn't remember. I also couldn't remember the last time I'd actually felt good, really good like I wanted to whistle or hum a tune.

My days have been chock full of badness. My every day has been about piling on regret after regret until I wake up facing the Mt. Everest of Regret each day. No wonder I've been achy and cranky. No wonder I'm exhausted before I get out of the bed. No wonder I haven't been able to tell one day from the other- it's all been a blur of misery.

The saddest realization for me has been the fact that all of this misery has been self-inflicted. It's been so easy over the years to point fingers at everyone and everything. I could have won first prize in the, "If only..." contest. If only, this would happen or that person would be, then I could... (fill in the blank).

So much wasted time and hours wallowing in misery but not today.

Today was different. When the negative thoughts formed, I pushed them away. It's not like I ignored them. Ignoring them would only mean they would return at some point of weakness. No, I carefully analyzed the thought, put it in a rational perspective and then dismissed it when I realized it was nothing more than a thought that would keep me mired down in the muck. Once I did this, it was gone. I was free (and not just metaphorically).

There was no more blur. My vision was clear. I had the kind of energy I remember possessing as a child when there were no cares, no misery. I set out time to write and I really did it. I finished a Chapter and started another. I cleaned. I spent time with my kids. There was no crankiness, no sadness, no fatigue. It was a brilliant day and tomorrow looks just as brilliant.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Well-Intentioned Bullshit is Still Bullshit

I've been thinking about words lately.

I love words. I've had a passionate love affair with the spoken and written word since  I was able to distinguish that sounds and images held meaning.

Anyone who knows me closely knows how much I love to talk. I am filled with ideas and images that come pouring out. Sometimes I can't even stop myself as the words flow.

My relationship with words has been symbiotic- as many words as I send out into the world, I take in. I listen and read constantly. I love the sounds of people's voices and am constantly capturing words, phrases and rhythms, allowing them to fill me up.

But after all these years, 45 to be exact, I've had to re-evaluate this relationship. Lesson after lesson, as of late, has shown me that words are meaningless with out action. I am embarrassed to think about how many powerless words I have allowed to flow out into the universe. They have fizzled in the air before they even left my lips. I have made promises and made declarations that have gone no where. My life has been littered with this kind of pollution.

Even the words I've put down on paper have suffered from being little more than litter as I have left them limp with no intention of giving them life, meaning or purpose. I've forgotten them on my computer or shoved them into a drawer or file, never to see the light of day.

Words are nothing without intent. Intention implies action. Words without action are simply well-intentioned bullshit. Well meaning but as empty as a politicians promise.

The lesson has been learned and now it will be applied.