Tuesday, July 17, 2012

A New Day

Today was an amazing day.

It was amazing because I chose not to allow myself to feel bad. Without realizing it, I'm a pro at feeling bad. Which is really kind of funny since if you'd asked me I would have considered myself a rather happy-go-lucky person. The image I had was of the kid who was always smiling, always ready with a laugh.

But then I started thinking about the last time I really laughed. I mean, the holding my sides falling on my butt kind of laughing and I couldn't remember. I also couldn't remember the last time I'd actually felt good, really good like I wanted to whistle or hum a tune.

My days have been chock full of badness. My every day has been about piling on regret after regret until I wake up facing the Mt. Everest of Regret each day. No wonder I've been achy and cranky. No wonder I'm exhausted before I get out of the bed. No wonder I haven't been able to tell one day from the other- it's all been a blur of misery.

The saddest realization for me has been the fact that all of this misery has been self-inflicted. It's been so easy over the years to point fingers at everyone and everything. I could have won first prize in the, "If only..." contest. If only, this would happen or that person would be, then I could... (fill in the blank).

So much wasted time and hours wallowing in misery but not today.

Today was different. When the negative thoughts formed, I pushed them away. It's not like I ignored them. Ignoring them would only mean they would return at some point of weakness. No, I carefully analyzed the thought, put it in a rational perspective and then dismissed it when I realized it was nothing more than a thought that would keep me mired down in the muck. Once I did this, it was gone. I was free (and not just metaphorically).

There was no more blur. My vision was clear. I had the kind of energy I remember possessing as a child when there were no cares, no misery. I set out time to write and I really did it. I finished a Chapter and started another. I cleaned. I spent time with my kids. There was no crankiness, no sadness, no fatigue. It was a brilliant day and tomorrow looks just as brilliant.

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