Thursday, May 3, 2012

O' Pioneer

I've always held back in my public writing. I'm private and I've never been one to toss my business out there for the world. Perhaps it's this reticence that has led me to be a less than regular blogger. Well I've decided to throw all caution to the wind and allow this blog to be free of restraint. Why now? I was wrenched outside of my comfort zone and now I'm journeying through the universe on unfamiliar and unstable terrain. This weekend I discovered my husband went on a dating website and met a woman with whom he has developed a relationship (according to him it was non-sexual). I'm not sure what is the bigger betrayal that he went on this website and actually met someone or was it because this was how we met more than 10 years ago. He hasn't been able to explain the reason, there are lots of why's- boredom, depression, and the stress of working on a novel (it took a lot for him to throw this out to another writer), financial worries, fear of mortality- a general melange of existential angst. When you're younger this kind of drama manifests itself in screaming, tossing clothing out the window, breaking of glassware- the stuff of nasty break-ups but with four children that isn't an option. Instead of crying myself blind and falling into a bucket of Ben & Jerry's, I spent the weekend driving from one soccer venue to another. I'd stand chatting with someone, having a rational conversation about offsides and ball possession while phrases from the love-note my husband penned to this woman floated through my head. If she was the custodian of his soul, then what was I? If she were his darling, what was I? I've had to remain calm outside because I've already gone through one divorce and the idea of having a replay of that experience is as appealing as being locked away in a room forced to watch endless episodes of "Dancing with the Stars." My children know something is going on. I've spoken about some of this with my 16 year old because she knew I was in pain. My boys are still young enough to believe me to be suffering from nothing more than a extended bad day. This experience has been like one of those life and death moments where images of your life come rushing at you. Instead of my entire life, it's been the 11 years I've been with my husband. Instead of life and death, there is the before and the now. The love story that came before is no longer. It is forming into something else. Right now I'm not sure. At first I had this idea we could put the marriage back together but then while out on my run today I realized that the marriage was probably broken to begin with. I don't want to put back together what wasn't working. So now I'm pioneer setting out in unexplored territory- scared but excited.

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