Thursday, May 10, 2012

That Which Doesn't Kill You...

Gives you writing material.

Through all of this emotional turmoil going on in my life, I've been trying hard to not let it consume me. A friend suggested I go to therapy but there is no need for that right now. If I feel emotionally stuck and unable to move forward in my life, I'll seek the help of a professional. Until then, I lace up my running shoes and head out for my kind of therapy.

For the last week it's been running analysis. I have assessed. I have probed. I have broken down all facets of my relationship. I have seen areas where I can and have made changes. I have let go of areas that are beyond my control.

There are have been some days my thoughts have raced so quickly my legs, lungs and heart could not keep up. There were days I longed for physical pain to replace emotional pain and I have run recklessly. Other days find me methodical and focused. I set out with a clear goal and reach it, feeling something positive.

Yesterday, I set out, in what is slowly starting to become habit again, for my run. The day before had been a hard day for me emotionally. I felt shaky. My legs were tight. I still felt out of my body, out of shape. But I went out and the thoughts came rushing at me. Is there hope? Can we survive this? Can my husband find his way back from his depression and his self-destructiveness? Can I find a way live without being weighed down by his emotional pain? These were questions I was becoming sick of repeating- a different answer each day. My legs felt heavy and there was so much sadness in my body as I began replaying the moment of discovering my husband's betrayal.

Then it happened...

The opening for the novel I've been obsessing about for the last seven years appeared to me in such clarity. I've tried writing this story at least four times but it always felt shaky, a great plot on an iffy foundation.

Now it is finally here, the start of a great story. Like a Law & Order episode, it is ripped from my pain. In the queer way only a writer can appreciate, I'm glad for all the shit I've gone through this past week. It's been worth it if some good can come out of it.


  1. You are taking your pain and doing something productive with it. This is something to feel accomplished about. You are very brave. Your husbands destructiveness has not disabled you. Good Luck!

  2. Thanks so much for your comment. I'm taking things one day at a time to get through this in a positive way.