I've decided to give myself a year.
A year to get through all those desires that seem to stretch off into the infinite. As long as time stretches out before me and there is no sense of urgency. I just keep plodding along.
This morning I had this EUREKA moment. The light bulb turned on and suddenly I realized what I needed to do.
I was in one of these depressingly circular conversations my newly diagnosed depressed husband and I have been having for the last month or so and I realized how much these conversations have turned into my life. All movement happens in the same loopy progression. I want to write. I write a little. I don't write. I want to write. I write a little. I don't write and so on and so on. I feel like every area of my life is stuck in this kind of loop.
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately and what I have seen hasn't been pretty. I can blame my husbands depression for some of this but ultimately, I have not been handling my life well at all. So instead of firing myself which would involve a lot of bureaucratic paperwork and pose a real hardship for the whole family, I've decided to give myself a year to get my shit together.
I know a year seems, as my teenage daughter would say, so random but I like the idea of a deadline. I also thrive on challenges. Whenever I've had a challenge placed on me and I only have a certain amount of time added with the responsibility of accountability, I always thrive. Well now I'm doing it, I'm standing up, clearing my throat and making a public statement before the universe.
A year or bust. A year or admit I am a miserable failure who needs to rethink her entire life. A year or admit to simply being nothing but a fraud. A year or continue to feel powerless.
I'm betting on the year. I'll post updates and tweets about my progress.
Bear with me as I'm making it all up as I go along.