I've always been petite. I was always the annoying friend who could eat an entire pizza and down a nice healthy dessert and never gain weight.
Even after giving birth to two children, I still maintained my petite figure.
Then I began life with my then boyfriend and now husband and suddenly I began putting on a pesky pound or two here or there. After I gave birth to my youngest, I couldn't seem to shed my baby weight. I thought it was simply nature's cruel trick since I was of AMA (advanced maternal age- the crappy terminology for getting pregnant after 35).
But no, it wasn't nature.
It wasn't even my love of caramel lattes or the fact that as a mother I wound up eating my kid's leftovers.
Nor was it the fact that my running ranged from sporadic to non-existent for some months.
Weight crept on to my thin frame because cracks formed in my husband's emotional facade. The moodiness he blamed on his food sensitivities escalated. He gained weight. He was exhausted all the time. He was dissatisfied, he complained. He no longer smiled and my kids were uncomfortable when he was around.
I did what any one who loves their partner would do, I tried to make things better. The more I tried the more work there seemed to do. I completely lost myself to this emotional nightmare. I stopped writing, I stopped growing, I'd start projects and then stop them because I was juggling too many balls in the air trying to keep him happy and reminding him how blessed we were in our lives.
Weight piled on me until I was over 38 pounds overweight. I was in shock when I stepped on the scale. I tried everything to lose the weight- getting back into running, going to the gym, Weight Watchers, Paleo Diet, tracking every bite I ate... to no avail.
Then when my husband's careful disguise fell away to expose the raw emotionally distant and mental illness he'd been hiding, I realized I couldn't help him. He was beyond a pep talk, beyond love and support, beyond even therapy. If I continued trying to save him, I would lose myself.
So I stopped.
I let go and suddenly... the weight began to fall off. I started taking care of myself. I began running regularly. I started back to writing. I started enjoying my life again without the shadow of his mood swings. To date, I've lost over 22 pounds.
Today people who hadn't seen me since the spring were amazed by my transformation. I glow! There's a spring to my step. I smile a lot. I sing again. I laugh.
What's my secret? Living a life of awareness, letting go of fear, and handing someone's emotional baggage back to them to deal with. No matter how much you love someone only they can tackle their burden. Every person has to find their own peace.